Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate — Carl Jung.
It’s taken most of my adulthood to believe I deserve to enjoy my life.
My priority has always been survival over fulfillment. I made most decisions based on what I thought would give me the most security in the long term. My interests and desires were stuffed into a box and buried deep in the darkness. Believing that you could pay your bills doing something you actually cared about was for other people — not people like me.
Nothing about this makes logical sense. I mean, whatever path you choose will require some amount of grinding, so why not work hard at something that fulfills you? Why choose to work hard at something you don’t even care about?
But I know why I did it: because it felt safe.
I wasn’t emotionally involved. There wasn’t much room for failure, because I was never really invested in the first place.
I was a little girl who somehow internalized the message that she could never be herself. That she had to try and be as bland as humanly possible. That the best she could aim for was to survive instead of thrive.
I’ve had to shed this skin as I’ve grown older. I’ve experienced the emptiness that comes from only ever living in survival mode. I feel pain knowing there’s a part of me, a little girl stuck in this big adult body who still believes that it’s not safe to dream. I know it’s my job now to show her that’s not true for us anymore.
The Ace of Wands in tarot is the seed of desire. It’s just a spark — nothing impressive to look at. But when the seed is planted and tended to with care, that glimmer eventually grows into a fully-fledged vision.
I’ve watered that seed for years. It’s slow progress, and I don’t think the journey ever ends. Whenever I think I’m done, I discover even more layers of pain that the little girl inside of me has been holding onto — wounds that have been patiently waiting for their chance to come into the light and finally be healed.
So if you’re not yet seeing the transformation you desire, consider this:
A tree is only as strong as its roots. Instead of trying to grow taller, maybe we need to focus on sinking deeper — into the unconscious mind, into our shadow, into the parts of ourselves we keep buried away. Because until you turn around and face the parts of yourself that you’ve avoided, you’ll continue to carry them with you into every room you go.
So keep your focus on nurturing the seed of your dream. It’s dirty, messy work, often with no immediate reward. But if you can keep treating yourself with patience and gentleness, then that dream will start to grow, pushing through the soil to emerge into the light. And that is how you build a vision strong enough to rise above the noise and self-doubt.